Saturday, November 18, 2006

mademoiselle 11/18/2006 10:56:00 PM

*she no longer someone i yearn to love.

had a long chat with DAD today.
and realise alot i didnt know in the past.
he endured fucken loads of hardship.
and what *she did to him that made him so upset
and forsaken the love he used to have for *her.
the bonding between us is so no longer what it used to be.
*she created all these with *her own hands.
i've talked to god about me sinking into depression
and seeking his help to gimme the courage to carry on with life.
he told me to forgive *her.
all the emotional and physical hurt *she did to me.
but its jus like a shattered mirror.
*she shattered my tender heart and not even making an effort
to patch em up. scars and wounds remains.
too much of them drove me to the wall.
and i finally broke free.
from *her control and torment.
it was the first time i stared at *her with my pair of eyes
full of vengence and anger.
i had enough of *her abuse.
im no longer the little rachel that stands all the torment quietly.
i wanted to retaliate so badly. and even had the thought of killing*her.
but my conscience held me back.
i stomped out of my house by slamming the door so hard.
forsaken cries like heavy downpour caused my eyes to swell.
was even sobbing so badly in the cab on my way to meet AUNThelen.
i bet the taxi driver must have freaked out so badly.
i thank god that he had sent me an angel like aunt helen.
to always be there for me whenever family problems occurs.
so whn i reached there.
i immediately broke down.
and continued sobbing.auntHELEN hugged me tightly and consoled me.
i even doubt that *she's in a stable mentality.
its jus too much pressing down on me.
i need space to breathe.
so i stayed overnight and AuntHELEN's place.
she prayed for me.
and that night i talked to lord, i felt so calm and overwhelmed with composure.
like a heavy boulder lifted off my shoulder.
but i couldn even close my eyes.
cos images of the scene previously floods my mind.
and its was really horrendous.
so i called DAD and woke him up for work.
he sounded sad and shagged.
NExt morn i returned home,
i clustered my courage and spoke my last prayers to seek lord's help to enter the house.and *she started cursing expectedly.
but my feelings towards *her are numbed.
no longer matters to me.
so i left for school hurriedly after packing my stuffs.
after the exam. i don't even intend to head home.
so went to had lunch with aisyah at KFC.
hoping to delay the time.
but i rather choose to face up to reality.
cos i cant escape no where.
i was relieved that *she was in *her bedroom whn i reached home.
so i locked myself in the room and couldn bother to even glance at *her.
i read the book AUNT helen gave me.
and i learnt alot thru it.
to forgive and forget in order to have joy in me.
its definately hard to do that.
but i believed with god's grace and help.
i believe i can do that.

as for*her, *she's no longer someone living in my heart.

im going church tml! HURRAYS.

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?Mademoiselle Rachel
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